To have empathy is to see and understand that all of person’s behaviour is an attempt to meet their needs. Rather than judging a person through the lens of what we think is wrong or right, empathising is to understand what a person is going through and know that unmet needs are the cause.
An old Chinese story provides a perfect metaphor for how we lose empathy. A man is rowing a small boat upstream and bumps into something which is travelling in the opposite direction, following the current. The man swears, stops rowing and looks over his shoulder to see that the object is in fact another small paddle boat. Seeing that the boat is empty, the man shrugs his shoulders at the co-incidence of it all and carry on rowing.
Sometime later the man’s boat collides with another object. Again the man swears, stops rowing and looks over his shoulder to see that he has met another boat. This time however there is a someone rowing the other boat and so the man shouts angrily, blaming the person for their poor boatmanship.
When the boat was empty, the man easily understood the facts of the situation - the main reason for the collision was the current of the river propelling the empty boat downstream. But as soon as another person was involved in the collision, it was easy to blame the person and forget about the underlying currents.
Unmet needs are the cause of a person’s behaviour in the same way that underlying currents affect a boat. Just like the currents, the needs may not be visible but, just like the currents, the influence of needs can be investigated and understood. Through more understanding we can learn to not take things so personally and find new ways to support other people.
To learn more about empathy why not join my Understanding Needs and Behaviour online zoom course on Wednesday 7th October 2020 from 10am -12pm. Places are only £15 for self-funding individuals or £25 for places funded by organisations.